Jessica Hornstein: Hi everyone. I'm Jessica Hornstein. Welcome to the No, Not Crazy Podcast where we explore the invalidating messages we internalize, their effects on our lives, and the ways we can free ourselves from them. We've all had those experiences that make us question ourselves and even sometimes, feel a little crazy.
Let's stop accepting the idea that there is something inherently wrong with us and begin to appreciate that actually there is something fundamentally right. So, join me, and, together, we can all feel a little less crazy.
Thank you for being here for this first episode of, No, not Crazy. Before we dig into unraveling, invalidation with others and sharing our stories in future episodes, I wanted to spend a little time with you today, just us, to explore what invalidation and validation are and why they matter. Let me ask you this.
How often have you found yourself trying to talk yourself out of how you feel? Filled with self-doubt? Confused about what you want?
Unable to make decisions or making decisions that don't lead to the life you want. How often do you find yourself asking questions? Sort of half joking, but also half serious along the lines of, "Am I crazy? I'm not crazy, right? I mean, I don't think I'm crazy?" From, oh, about the moment we're born, we're exposed to external messages about who we are.
Now, some of those may be reflective of our truest selves, but some may not be. And that's where the problem lies, because when we internalize those messages, we risk developing what I call an invalidation wound. In simple terms, this is when all those subtle or not so subtle outside views of us undermine and muddle our self-concept to such a degree that we struggle to know our own truth.
We can really lose sight of it. Invalidation wounds will make us feel that there's something inherently wrong with us rather than inherently right. They will lead us to believe that our feelings, intuitions, perspective, knowledge, needs and wisdom are not to be trusted or valued. They will tell us that we're too much or not enough, but never just right.
These things become the narrative, the script running the show of our lives. Most likely, without our awareness. If we are to turn things around, heal our individual and collective pain, we need to understand these wounds. They're serious. Okay, so what actually is invalidation? I want to take a minute here to talk about the definition so we're all on the same page.
And also, because it's actually kind of shocking when you take a real look at it. So, bear with me. It's worth it. If something is considered invalid, it is , something that is without foundation or force, in fact, truth, or law. Or something that is deficient in substance or cogency. Cogency meaning if something is convincing or relevant.
So. that's what's happening in the act of invalidation. Hmm. Now what happens when we apply that to the act of invalidating a person? It means we are in our position of being on the outside, of not being that person, not in their head, in their heart, in their body, that we are drawing a conclusion that they, or what they're experiencing, is without foundation or force. We’re negating them. We're finding them not substantial, relevant or convincing.
Wow. Just think about what that means. Think about what we are doing to someone when we invalidate them. We are making these decisions about them. We are making these decisions for them. We are basically trying to strip them of their Selves, denying their sovereignty over who they are, rejecting the facts of their existence and experience. I mean, how dehumanizing is that? And we wonder why mental health issues are skyrocketing. Hate and division is rampant. Why we are just in a precarious place as a species. It's really no wonder at all, is it? What we have to ask is how, when, where, why does invalidation happen?
Well, we're going to delve into all of that in the No, Not Crazy Podcast. For now, the short answer is that it can happen anywhere, at any time, for a million different reasons. The short-ish answer is this—invalidation may be a part of our interactions and relations with people we know and encounter in our daily lives. Family, friends, partners. Or it may be something that happens in broader experiences, such as in the context of school, the workplace, religious or spiritual circles, a community, healthcare, the culture of a society, and so on. Invalidation may be spoken. In the most obvious, most extreme cases that would be hate speech, discriminatory comments of any kind. Unfortunately, we see that a lot these days. There are also less obvious ways that people can be dismissive that are important to look at because they can slip into our psyches under the radar. These kinds of comments may sound like: Why can't you just be happy? Don't make such a big deal out of it. What's your problem, he seems like a great guy. Big deal, everybody's tired. You're just lucky to have a job. Why don't you try to smile more? I'm sure they didn't mean it that way. Crying about it won't help. Those headaches are nothing—it's probably just stress. But she's family, just let it go. And of course, don't be so sensitive.
Hate speech obviously is never okay. Discrimination is obviously never okay. Manipulation is never okay. Full stop. I do want to acknowledge, however, that not all kinds of invalidation are meant to be malicious. Invalidation can be from a lack of consciousness and awareness about the impacts of the way we communicate.
Sometimes well-intentioned people may be invalidating by assuming what they want and need is what you want and need. Some may simply be too focused on their own stuff to truly be attuned to anyone. Some are so afraid of honest expression that they try to suppress it in others. You know, you have people who may lay blame or try to dismiss your truth in an attempt to make themselves feel better about themselves or enable them to avoid facing their own demons and challenge.
Other times in an attempt to make us feel better, people will even try to dismiss or diminish our experiences. You know, when someone tries to get you to see the bright side. Nope, not feeling better. Thanks. So, they may not see what they're doing, but yeah, it can still hurt and undermine our ability to access process, originate, and know the reality of our experiences and of our true selves.
Invalidation also may be unspoken or indirect in the way the people around us or the culture of the society around us is oriented to either value or devalue us and give or withdraw support from us, depending on whether we do or don't fit into the framework it has established as the.
We are all under the influence of socialization and conditioning. Let's be honest, sometimes this is a very deliberate approach. Most of us face a pretty steady stream of calculated and malignant messages of invalidation. Companies need to sell us things. People in power want to stay in power. Then we've got narcissists and other toxic forces.
We have so much to discuss here because the bottom line is that regardless of the context or intention, invalidation always has the power to be damaging, really damaging. We feel off. We feel wrong. We feel out of place. We second-guess everything. We find a deep peace elusive, right? As I said at the beginning, we may even find ourselves at that point wondering, “What the heck am I crazy?” I've been there for sure. From all the people I speak with. I'd say, unfortunately, almost all of us have. What happens then? We live our lives trying to convince ourselves that our truth isn't our truth. We're trying to live in someone else's truth. Have you been there? You may hope you'll fix everything if you can become what's expected, what they want you to be, what would be more convenient for you to be…for them?
Maybe you double down on your attempts at positive thinking, intention setting will power, or accountability.
Maybe you give your power over to another person who claims to be able to make it all better for you.
Maybe you swirl in the purgatory of perseveration, never at peace with where you are, but also not seeing how to shift it.
Or perhaps, you move past the point of perseverating, abandoning yourself in numbness and accepting a life that leaves you empty.
So many of us have worked incredibly hard to effect change in our life. I bet you've genuinely tried, dug deep, taken responsibility, worked on your stuff, but maybe you still didn't feel like you were getting it right. Not for long anyway. Even worse, it might even have felt like each step took you further away from yourself.
How do we get to that place where we can let go of all the self-doubt, the constant nagging worry that we're just getting something wrong? The feeling that we always have to justify ourselves to ourselves and to others. How do we get to that place where we become so connected to and clear about and confident in who we are, that we no longer subdue our own voices, and instead we can move towards relationships, situations, and life choices that are right for us, and either rectify or move away from the ones that aren’t?
We've got to stop trying to talk ourselves out of how we feel. How many times have you felt like something wasn't okay, but you talked yourself out of it? Look, there is no shame in being confused, but I think so much of what we call confusion isn't necessarily confusion at all. It's the crazy-making cycle of trying to reconcile the awareness of what is true inside of you with the insistence of what the outside says is true for you. I believe at some level we, we know what we know. But it's way under the internalized messages, the toxic experiences, all those habits and behaviors developed to cope with and adapt to a challenging world around us.
So, it can feel out of our grasp. But do you ever get those glimpses, even if only every now and then, even if it's just for a second, of who is under there, what is in your core, of what your life could be? You know, it's like when a name is right on the tip of your tongue. It's just right there. It's important to understand that an invalidation wound doesn't absolve us of our responsibility for ourselves.
We cannot fully know those selves and those responsibilities, however, until we acknowledge and unravel the fragmentation, diminishment, shame, and suppressions created by the invalidation we've experienced. Until we do that, we can't make sense of why we feel the way we feel, have the beliefs we have or do the things we do because there are layers and layers of filters presenting us with a distorted view of ourselves and the world.
Nor does any of what I'm saying absolve us of our responsibility towards others, either. Are we willing to listen to and try to understand someone else? Are we interested in respecting and honoring someone's experiences? Are we able to say: I don't know. I don't understand. I want to learn. I never saw it that way, tell me more. Or I'm sorry, I was wrong. For the most part, we are not taught any of those skills. In fact, we may be taught to do the exact opposite. You know that message of don't share how you feel, defend your position at all costs. So. sometimes we are the invalidatees and sometimes we are the invalidators.
So, what are we to do? That's why we're here. That's why I think these conversations are critical.
We begin to disempower this pervasive wound by recognizing invalidating language, behaviors and structures. We neutralize it by amplifying our own voices so that they cannot be subdued by those of others. We exile invalidation on a larger scale by knowing that standing in our truth means we can allow others to do the same, and it compels us to take any steps we can to create a world in which everyone's truth is acknowledged and respected.
That's important because being aware of invalidation doesn't mean everyone else is always to blame, and you're always right. It means you're always entitled to your truth and feelings and so are they. I believe, however, that if we can begin to make validation the default those gaps will become narrower over time.
We have to try because invalidation is messing with us, with our self-concept, with our ability to know and move through the world as our authentic selves, and our capacity to relate to each other as authentic selves.
Validation must become the norm. That is the mission here on the No, Not Crazy podcast. We've just begun to scratch the surface today, but I hope it gives you a taste of the ways we experience invalidation, colors in the lines a bit about what its effects might be, and inspires you with the vision that there is another way.
There are so many facets to this, so many ways it plays out in our lives, and that's why we're here—to explore as many of them as we can.
In this space, we will build a ValidNation, if you will, which we can carry within us and extend outside of us.
I'm really looking forward to getting to know you and going on this journey with all of you. And I have faith in us. Thank you so much for being here. I'll see you next time.
Thank you for listening and being part of the conversation. Please find a way to validate yourself today. Maybe find a way to validate someone else too. And if you enjoyed the show, please rate, review, and subscribe wherever you get your podcast. You can also join me at No, Not Crazy on Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube.
Let's build this community of validation together.
