Leaning into Your Longing with Jessica Hornstein

• Examine the belief that reaching for your deepest desires is riskier than staying in your familiar, stuck place.  
• The important distinction we must make which illuminates our obstacles to longing.  
• Hear about the personal experience I’ve been having lately of opening to deeper longing and what it feels like.  
• Explore the potentially soul-crushing consequences of choosing to deny your longing and, conversely, the potentially life-changing opportunities of choosing to embrace it.  
• Understand that on the other side of the courage and vulnerability it takes to admit what you want and need, there is strength, truth, and the fullest version of your life. 

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*Music by Sam Murphy*
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Transcript

Jessica Hornstein: Hi everyone. I'm Jessica Hornstein. Welcome to the No, Not Crazy Podcast where we explore the invalidating messages we internalize, their effects on our lives, and the ways we can free ourselves from them. We've all had those experiences that make us question ourselves and even sometimes, feel a little crazy.

Let's stop accepting the idea that there is something inherently wrong with us and begin to appreciate that actually, there is something fundamentally right. So, join me and together, we can all feel a little less crazy.

Hi everybody. Solo episode today. I'm so glad you're here with me because we're tackling something big. So, are you ready to lean into longing with me? This has been coming up for me and it seems a lot of other people as well lately, and I think it's really important that we talk about it because it seems like usually, we don't—not fully, not directly. We're kind of afraid to feel it, to feel our longing. We doubt our right to feel it. We're so often made wrong for even having it. There are so many reasons it doesn't get addressed, so let's give it a shot today. It's just too important not to, you know? 

What will we miss out on if we don't acknowledge what's so essential to who we are, what's emanating from our core, what we're inherently wired for? We need to listen to that whisper or that shout of our longing. It's not an easy thing to talk about. Honestly, I can't promise there won't be any tears because it's scary, isn't it? It's a hard, hard thing to bring out into the open. It's like taking the sweetest, most honest, tender, loving parts of your heart and just putting them out on the table. It's raw, and it's open and vulnerable. Takes so much courage because not only are you exposing those soft parts of yourself, but you're also admitting that you want something deeply, you hunger for it, you ache for it even—that it matters so profoundly to you. That's hard to do because alongside that acknowledgement is also a possibility that you're not gonna get it. You just don't know for sure. That's a huge door to open, a door to potential heartbreaking disappointment. Geez, nobody wants that, right? So, we try to shove our longing in a box and put it in the back of the closet and then we think we'll never have to take the risk and we'll never have to, you know, feel sad.

But we're wrong. We're wrong about that, because those longings will be rattling around in that closet. Whether you acknowledge them or ignore them, they're still a part of you and you will feel it. But we do try to trick ourselves, don't we? It's almost like, it feels like if you don't admit it sometimes, right, if you don't, if you don't ever try for it, you can at least like hold on to this concept of like an alternate universe where it could have happened because you reconcile that "well, it just didn't happen in this particular universe because, you know, I never tried." Right? And somehow in that backwards way of thinking by squashing the possibility, by withering your reality, you make yourself feel like you're keeping the dream alive. Do you know what I mean?

It's okay to be scared to take steps to realize your dreams. That's absolutely normal, appropriate. I just think we have to be more scared not to, to pass up that chance, because you know what else might also be through that door? Experiences of joy, peace, wholeness, love in ways you may not even be able to put to words yet because you, you won't have the language until you've felt it. But somewhere in you, you probably sense it. It's, it's like out there floating in the ether. Maybe like a quiet breeze against your skin, or maybe like a magnet pulling every cell in your body to connect with it. When you have those feelings and sensations, do you fight them? We do sometimes, right? 

It's not our fault. I think we aren't taught to tap into our longing and to feel it in the way that's most true and honest for ourselves. You know, we're taught like “Oh, what do you wanna do? What do you wanna accomplish? What kind of person do you wanna be with?” Maybe you're even encouraged to set some intentions, write a few things down. But usually when we do that, we're only scratching the surface, not fully digging into the like deepest knowing of what our heart and soul and body truly want and need.

Not only are we not shown how to feel into that place, but we're often actively discouraged from going there. Have you had this experience? I know I have. You know, you express something that's that's from your heart, that's meaningful to you, and your wants and needs are dismissed as silly or a weakness, self-indulgent, even a pathology, right? Basically, your longing is framed as something that should be overcome. Why? Why? Why shouldn't we want things? Think about that. Why is it so often the default to treat longing as something that has to be corrected? No, no, no, no, no. Your longing does not require any explanation or justification.

People who care about you may try to talk you out of those longings because they wanna protect you. Maybe they don't want you to be disappointed. So, it may come from a well-meaning place. You know, they just may not think it's realistic or something. They just can't see it the way you can. Sometimes, it's because of people's own disappointments. You know, they've given up on hoping for themselves, for their own lives. And so, they won't or can't allow for the idea that anyone else should have it either. It's just too damn painful to consider someone else getting to embrace and live out that beautiful life. Sometimes people don't want us to grow because of the implications your evolution will have on the role you serve in their lives.

And, look, we talk ourselves out of it too. We may tiptoe close to it and then we get scared, or we get hurt. Something doesn't work out the way we wanted it to, or the fear gets to us and convinces us it won't before we even try. Or the changes that it might require in our lives feel too overwhelming. Maybe someone or some situation makes us feel kind of shitty about ourselves. And you know, we lump it all together and a narrative starts running in our head about how we don't deserve what we want, that we'd never get it. 

And so we stop ourselves from feeling it, from believing in it. We stop ourselves from reaching deep inside and intimately engaging that longing. Because if we reach deep inside it, then we're called to reach far outside ourselves into uncharted territory probably, out of our comfort zones, to expand our vision of what can be and to connect with what or who can meet our longing.

And it's heartbreaking because so many of us have given up and have settled for lives that eat away at our souls, that require us to cleave off parts of ourselves to exist in those lives. You know what I mean? Like the unfixable circumstances that are past the point of no return, where you've tried everything. Maybe a relationship, for example, that is toxic or that leaves you empty and unsatisfied and feeling alone. In those situations, at the moment, you make the choice to deny your longing for what would feel right to you, you've decided to live without hope. You have decided to live without hope. 

Think about it. You're saying to yourself, this situation is untenable. It will never make me happy. I know what I do want, but I'm going to stay in this untenable situation and not be happy. See what you did there? I'm not saying this, so we beat ourselves up because we've probably all been there, but I want you to see it in stark terms like that because we get muddled in details and gray areas when we're making decisions, but in the end, in concrete terms, that's what's happening. 

You've told yourself that your experience of the rest of your life doesn't matter. It's so important to recognize this because it does matter, and shutting down is not how we're supposed to live it. That's not what we're here for. It's not what we're made to do. We're just not made for that. There's too much in us, you know? And if you feel that longing, it's a real thing. It's speaking to you from your core. It's not crazy. It's not wanting too much. It's not because you're too much. It's not because there's something wrong with you. You have that vision that only you can have for a reason. It's in your heart for a reason. 

Think about, think about it this way. Think of all the people you know now who have been fulfilled in some way, Those people that you see now who have the things that they had hoped for, they had longing first, right? They longed for something, and it came to pass. And we don't judge that, do we? We don't undermine the longing when it has been met. No, after the fact, when we see people living in that state of gratified longings, we don't think that there's anything wrong with them. No one ever says, "Oh, look at those people. Look at, look at them living happily ever after. Like, what's wrong with them? Wow. That's, that's crazy. They need help. Who do they even think they were? Why did they even want that, hope for that, believe it could happen?"

And that distinction between how we treat what people want before it's happened and how we treat what people want after it's happened is key. We have to grasp this because it illuminates that what we're really reacting to is not the longing itself, but the question of whether or not it can or will be actualized and what will happen along the way on that journey. We're so afraid of that, that we see it as a, a liability or a flaw, and I think that is a colossal mistake and misunderstanding.

Longing that is, as of yet unfulfilled is not a defect or a deficiency. It's the container, the holding space, the imprint of future joys. Yes, there is risk, but it's risk with hope because it compels us to reach for that joy and gives us the strength, the courage to move forward, to embody ourselves, to step into the fullest version of our lives. I know it feels riskier than staying stuck, but it's not. Because maybe what you long for comes to pass, or maybe it doesn't but if we stay stuck where we are, where we've given up, where we're not longing, not believing, not trying there's only one option, we've lost. We know the outcome. We're not going to get what we want. And I'd take a risk with hope over a surrender with no hope any day. So don't let anyone talk you out of wanting what your heart and soul know is right for you.

You know, I mentioned at the beginning that in my own internal work and journey, something has been opening up for me quite profoundly lately, and this sense of longing has been loud and powerful, like grabbing me by the shoulders and shaking me kind of powerful. Shaking the, shaking the earth under my feet kind of powerful, like opening a portal into something that I really had not been able to fully name before.

And it's not always easy to stay with it because of all the reasons I talked about. It's the softest, most vulnerable part of me and exploring it and dwelling in it and owning it means it, I could be disappointed and sad. And look, that scares the shit out of me. No one wants to be sad. But staying with it, even when I'm scared, scared as maybe I've ever been, tapping into the depth of that soft, vulnerable longing is also what makes it me fiercely strong. It's what then enables me to believe in that desire even more, and stay with it more, and feel it more, and love it more. And the more I can ride the wave of that loop, the closer I get to it. I feel really sure of that. Will I get all the way there? I mean, I hope so. I'm sure gonna give it that chance. At least I'll be living my truth along the way. I will never abandon those parts of myself. And I hope you don't either, because really those are the most beautiful parts of who we are, and those are the parts that can lead to our greatest joys, and those are the parts that can lead to our purpose, our peace. So I invite you to come with me and let's lean into that longing. Take care everybody.

Thank you for listening and being part of the conversation. Please find a way to validate yourself today. Maybe find a way to validate someone else too. And if you enjoyed the show, please rate, review, and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. You can also join me at No, Not Crazy on Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube.

Let's build this community of validation together.